Five ways I built community abroad

Community was important to me when moving to Saudi at 40. Here's how I did it.

Recently, I fully admitted to my kids that I had been selfish this last year.

They were on the tail end of their first school year in Saudi Arabia, and it hadn’t gone as smoothly as we anticipated.

My 6 and 9 year old had it ROUGH. Leaving their school, their bedrooms, their beloved abuelos across town.

All four of us had it rough, sure. I had to put my career on hold and leave my life, too, and I wanted them to understand that.

So, I was selfish in putting my needs ahead of theirs in some ways - especially socially. During their eight-hour school days, I built a community in Riyadh while also building skills, muscles and a new routine.

My reasoning for the “me first” attitude was simple: I am the motor of the family, keeping all the proverbial plates in the air as I tried to figure out who I was without a career, when the forced career sabbatical made “Mom” my most important role.

My husband and kids would adapt more seamlessly. Enrique had an aquisitions-adjacent role, and my kids continued schooling.

I was the fish out of water and into the frying pan that is Riyadh.

So, I had the 9-5 (ok, 7-3) to figure it out. And my first order of business, once we got our residency sorted, was adapting socially. I was nervous to make friends at 40.

But I found it easier than ever when I could commit 100% of my free time to building it.

This post is about building community when you move abroad. Keep reading for a giveaway by Home Abroad, your guide to moving overseas, plus tips for making friends in midlife while abroad.

I plain ol’ cold-called contacts

My college job was calling alumni for money.

I was astoundingly good at it - I raised just under 1 million bucks for the U of Iowa and garnered a few internship offers.

When I could finally share that we were moving to Saudi, I began asking around on social media about who knew a habibti in Riyadh.

Turns out, a lot of people did.

The house my husband built: Malú, Carolina and Maite

Alex, a friend’s old roommate who was working in infrastructure and would usher me into a group of Americans.

Hannah, the independent education counselor who set up shop a few blocks from the Spanish Embassy and passed me work connections.

A master’s program colleague. A neighbor whose husband would be working for Qiddiya. Enrique’s former work colleagues. We had built-in friends before we even arrived (the ladies up above), and we leveraged this to expand out network.

I learned a new skill

When my mom died, one of my goals was to learn how to sew. Nancy studied fashion merchandising in college before earning a teaching certificate and spending her career teaching home ec.

It was a way for me to face the grief in losing her while finding myself again.

I joined a whatsapp group for expats in Saudi shortly after arrival. Almost serendipitously, Anniken wrote to ask if anyone wanted to learn how to sew, and our little Wednesday group formed.

Six weeks of class became a weekly meet up for friends. It’s more than learning to cut patterns. We make plans to attend other crafting events or shop for fabrics together, and we talk frankly about change - in our bodies, in Saudi culture, in womanhood.

It’s a safe space in a country where I often feel out of my depth.

I reached out to people on social media who I wanted to meet

When I searched for influencers in Saudi, I didn’t find too many. It took moving to the country and switching my VPN for them to show up in my feed.

I have met book publishers, nomads, journalists, diplomats. Like cold calling, I began interacting with their content and asking if they had time for a coffee. Breakfast culture is big in Saudi, and that timeline fit my constraints with my children.

Compound friends out for breakfast - 10 nationalities in one photo

Don’t ask me where to go for a fantastic dinner in Riyadh - I only know breakfast and shwarma joints!

It dawned on me that something similar happened with my Spain blog - people reached out to me for a coffee and words of advice when they moved to Sevilla, and I was doing the same in Riyadh.

Crazily full-circle.

I hired a trustworthy sitter

Call it a product of the pandemic, but my kids had never had anyone other than their grandparents babysit them.

When Enrique was appointed to his diplomatic posting in Riyadh, it came with more than a special passport - it meant invitations three to four nights a week for events at other embassies, hosting duties and endless gift-giving.

Diplo spouses - Romania, Germany, Spain and Japan represented (and, 5´4¨me is squatting)

Early on, we decided that a nanny was not necessary (essay on that forthcoming). Our kids were older, and I was unemployed. A whatsapp asking if any trustworthy teens on compound would be interested in babysitting our gremlins, and Amber and Janeeta became frequent calls for the one night I felt it was ok to leave the kids - and said kids did remarkably well.

Getting a sitter gave my husband and I some time together and the chance to make connections with other diplomatic marriages. Our closest friends are the Turkish, British and Romanian defense attachés and their partners, and we trade off weekends for meals.

And if nothing else, we get out for a few hours for a meal or a cultural event, and we get to deepen our friendships.

Most importantly, I said yes when things felt right and don’t force friendships that don’t.

Maybe it was turning 40, but my mindset shifted when we moved to Riyadh.

I was no longer chasing friendships that I knew, deep down, would never be more than surface-deep. Maintaining relationships can be tricky (schedules plus traffic plus embassy obligations leave little time), so I have to be selective.

I still spend a lot of time alone with my kids - by choice

But it’s also a change of pace for me to be able to say yes to mid-week coffee, to a quick game of paddle or dance lesson on compound, to diplomatic spouse outings or cultural trips. I missed this side of myself that existed before kids.

It’s also important to remember that Saudi is a season for us. We know we have an end date, but the connections we make now are worth nurturing. It’s a great lesson for our kids, too - that friendships can be transient, and no big deal.

Or they can be deep, and they are worth it.

Are you abroad, building a life and looking for your people? Home Abroad is your living room!

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